Things not to do at Hogwarts
by hazel-jade
Summary: I know it's probably already been done but the evil person in my head told me to do it anyway. All one shots.
1. Dark Mark

I know it's probably already been done but the evil person in my head told me to do it anyway.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter no matter how much I wish I did.

**Chapter 1: If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw the Dark Mark on their arm.**

History of Magic was probably the most boring class in hogwarts. Professor Binns never really noticed anything, he just kept droning on and on. That's why all of the students had fallen asleep and I was close to follow them when an idea came to me. This would be so funny!

I took the left arm of the person that was next to me and took one of my muggle permanent markers and started to draw. When I was done the image I placed his arm back to where it was and got up slowly.

I went next to the desk of my next victims and drew it again...

By the time I was done every single student in the class had a dark mark drawn on their arm and there was still ten minutes left of the periode. I decided to draw myself one.

When I was done I put the marker back in my bag and pretended that I was asleep. When the bell rang everyone got up and out of the class. Some of them never even noticed that they had something on their arm but some did and started accusing their friends.

All I have to say was that this was the funnest History of magic class that I've ever been to!


	2. Betting

**Disclaimer: **I don't own it. if I did it wouldn't be called fanfiction.

**Starting a betting pool on the fate of this years DADA teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.**

We had just finished eating the beginning of the year feast when Dumbledore got up and introduced the new DADA teacher, Professor Getskilled. This was too easy!

I got up on my seat and yelled at the top of my lungs "The betting starts now!" I pulled out a piece of parchment and wrote my name and said out loud again "I bet that the poor chap gets killed falling down the stairs in the middle of the year! Two sickles!"

And then the bets started to roll in. I'm so happy that I had enchanted my pen to wright every single bet because I wouldn't have been able to keep up. There where some really unconventional bets from getting mauled by a wrackspurt to getting run over by students to even getting killed by McGonagall in her animagus form.

All an all it was fun and the detentions where worth seeing the teachers faces. Any way I didn't win the pot. He got killed by the Womping Willow. Stupid first years!


	3. Duck

**Disclaimer: **I am sorry to say that I have failed to achieve the rights of Harry Potter and the Harry Potter series.

**I do not weigh the same as a duck.**

"This potion needs to be administered according to weight." That's all he said. How was I supposed to know that he meant my weight and not a duck's?

When he passed us a page with our names and told us to write our weight I wondered how much a duck weighed. So when the page came to me I wrote next to my name 11 pounds and passed the page in back of me to the next person.

Let's just say that I've been banned from potions class for a few days. I'm free!


	4. Badger Song

**Disclaimer: **I wish I was J.K. Rowling, but I'm not so... I don't own it (goes crying in a hole)

**I will not sing The Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches.**

The starting of the quidditch game was interesting but that was 30 minutes ago. You'd think that someone would have caught the snitch by now but noooo, both seeker's are completely incompetent. When I looked at my friends I could tell that they were also bored so I did what I always do: start singing randomly.

"Badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger". My friends looked at me when I started singing but then joined in.

"Mushroom Mushroom

Badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger"

A few muggle born students close to us also joined in.

"Mushroom Mushroom

Badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger"

Even more students were joining in and the whole stadium was sounding like a sort of infestation of demented bees had come in.

"Mushroom Mushroom

Badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger"

The teachers were looking around not knowing what to do as all the muggle borns in the stadium were singing the badger song even the quidditch players didn't know if they should keep playing.

"Mushroom Mushroom"

My favorite part was coming up and no one seemed to want to stop when the teachers were telling them to so I used the sonorous charm on my voice and waited.

"Badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger"

It was time for my favorite part so at the last badger my friends put a silencing charm around themselves knowing what was coming.

"**A big ol' snake - snake a snake oh it's a snake**"

Every single quidditch player fell of their brooms and a few ear drums burst. But it was still cool! Even if I did get detention...


	5. Heads up!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own it. If I did it wouldn't be called fan fiction.

**I may not step on the head's of First Years due to the fact that they're shorter than I am.**

My excuse: I was hungry and it was fun! Not the best things to say to a teacher.

We were all going to the Great Hall for lunch and I was starving so when we came to a stop in back of first years waiting to go in, I didn't even think. All I did was turn to my friends and ask them to lift me up. And they did.

It was so much fun to walk on their heads. And seeing as they were shorter than my I didn't hit the ceiling. That was probably not a good thing to tell Professor McGonagall 'cuz she screamed at me for mostly an hour.

But that is something that I do want to try again. Even if McGonagall screams a bit more...


	6. Tree House

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything except for my creativity and dignity (looks under table) yep, they're still there.

**(A/N: **This one shot comes from my more sadistic side. Don't worry about the first years, they're fine.**)**

**I will not tell first years that they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.**

The grounds of Hogwarts were looking amazing during this weekend. When I noticed a few first years around a parchment I didn't think any thing about it until they started to bring logs near the parchment.

I got up and went to investigate and what I saw made me smile. A tree house, they wanted to make a tree house! This would be great entertainment.

I asked them which tree they were going to build it in and when they answered that they didn't know I told them that I knew the perfect tree and motioned for them to follow me.

I brought them close enough to the Whomping Willow so that it wouldn't mind and told them that **that** would be the perfect tree. Perfect branches to hold the house and a perfectly stable trunk to hold it up.

Then I told them that it was a better tree than the Whomping Willow while pointing to a tree about fifty yards away.

They thanked me and I went back to my friends smiling the whole way. I told them that my alibi was that I hadn't left them at any time this time and when they agreed to it we finally started to hear the screams.


	7. Scarface

**Disclaimer: **I'm supposed to be writing something here but I forgot what it was... CREATIVITY, DO SOMETHING!  
>"she doesn't own Harry Potter."<p>

**I am not allowed to call Harry "Scarface" or "Pothead".**

I was tired and cranky and I didn't mean it. At least that's what I tried to tell the teachers.

It was an honest mistake. He asked me a question in the middle of class that I didn't catch and it just came out. "What did you say Scarface?" The entire class turned to me and I blanched.

When the teacher asked what I said I decided that I couldn't get into anymore trouble. "I asked what Pothead here said, sir." Now that was probably the moment that I should have just shut up...

I had looked into the angry face of the teacher and asked the most stupid question "Why you angry hot stuff?"

And now I'm hiding for my life. I am such an idiot sometimes...


	8. Magic 8

**Disclaimer: **In my mind I own it, in reality: I don't own Harry Potter.

**I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.**

My friends say that divination is the class where one nut meets the other. I say divination is the best class ever. The reason is because of my magic 8 ball. It tells the future. Or that's what Professor Trelawney says.

During our second class of divination I had decided to bring my magic 8 ball to see what she would do. So when I had just entered the class I decided to yell: "I can see the future! I can see it through this!" and brought the magic 8 ball high up in my hand so that everyone could see it.

All the muggle born students started to laugh but the pure-bloods were looking at me with slight interest and Trelawney just asked what I could see.

I told her to ask a question and I would answer it. Typical that she would ask if someone in the class would die. I shaked the magic 8 ball and peered at it's little window to see what the answer would be.

"Signs point to yes" I read out loud. Trelawney screamed and promptly fainted in her chair. Let's just say that we didn't do anything productive in that class that day.

But the next day one of the students in yesterdays class got sick and had to go to the hospital wing. When I entered the divination class I had loads of fun proclaiming that he was dead and my magic 8 ball had predicted it.

She still faints when I take it out of my bag.


	9. Trevor

**Disclaimer: **I want to be J.K. Rowling. I'll go and ask her at some point if she wants to switch places with me so until then... I own nothing!**  
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**I will not lick Trevor.**

"It's a frog."

"No, it's a toad."

How was I supposed to know that Neville was saying the truth. Yes, I know that he's it's master but I still had to make sure.

"Then let's test him."

"If it will make you leave me alone... What kind of test?"

I guess not everyone knows about my talent of licking. If I lick something I know exactly what it is... A very useful tool!

"Give him here."

He gave me his frog/toad and I licked it... Just as McGonnagall came in the common room.

"What are you doing?"

"Well, what do you know, it is a toad!"


	10. Real Spell Not!

**Disclaimer: **My family tried to kick me off of my computer at least once a week, they failed and I've gone completely insane. Isn't the internet a wonderful thing! Oh look! Blue balloons!  
>Family: we tried... Oh God did we try. Anyway... She doesn't own Harry Potter.<strong><br>**

**"Liften Separatis Crotchum" is not a real spell.**

The first years were all dyeing to know a new spell, so I told them one. I've always wanted to teach someone a spell and now I could! Who wouldn't take advantage of that?

It's not like it did any damage, they just looked incredibly stupid trying out the spell. And then I told them that it would work best in the Great Hall during breakfast.

I say it was funny watching them all try the spell with all the complicated moves that I had put in it at the same time! All the teachers were trying to figure out what they were saying and then when they did, you should have seen their faces!

"Liften Separatis Crotchum" may not be a real spell but it is now my favorite three words!


	11. Flea Collar

**Disclaimer: **Warning this product might cause tufts of hair to grow out of your ears, you may start having a craving for pickle ice cream, feet can develop a greenish tint. This company is not responsible if any of this happens. Also, I don't own Harry Potter.**  
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**Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.**

We all looked into the classroom to finally find Professor Lupin. He was correcting a few essays... During Christmas. Honestly what kind of blasphemy is this! He should be off celebrating or doing what ever teachers do during this time.

Oh well, I was hopping that he would like my present for him. I had bought one for everyone on my Christmas list! It was one of my best and brightest ideas.

Me and my friends entered the class and went up to his desk. He looked up and asked what he could do for us. When we told him that I had a present for him you could see his eyes light up in delight. I knew that it had been a good idea!

So I gave him the package and once he was opening done opening it I explained that everyone had gotten one from me. He brought out the flea collar with a slight look of disgust. To say I was hurt would be an understatement but I stayed strong. And when he asked who else had gotten a flea collar from me I told him that I had sent one to every single student and teacher that went to Hogwarts.

My friends showed them the flea collars that they were wearing but they could have not told him that I had told them that if they didn't wear it i would cause them bodily harm. Oh well, you can't win them all.


	12. Droids

**Disclaimer: **OK THAT'S IT! THIS BITCH IS GOING DOWN! SOMEONE HAND ME MY STAPLER GUN! ... I mean... J. owns Harry Potter.

**When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce "These are not the droids you are looking for."**

It had been a good idea at the time but we hadn't thought about getting caught. We had loads of fun, we had a great time and we just **had** to get caught! Of course, we weren't really quiet but it's kind of hard to be quiet when your doing that!

We were outside at night and we didn't think that the sound that we were making would travel all the way back to the castle. So when McGonagall came out of the castle we had to dash for the towels that we had placed close to the edge of the lake. Figures that at night sound travels farther.

When she looked at our wet and towel wraped figures you could see that she got the wrong impression. And then my friends said, all at the same time, two words "Skinny Dipping". She looked at us in shock and demanded an explanation.

I couldn't help it. I dropped my towel to the ground and, waving my hand, dead panned "These are not the droids you are looking for."


	13. Fly Eaters

A/N: This idea came from hufflepuffluv. Hope she or he likes it. If not I'll just take it down 'cuz I'm mean like that!

**Disclaimer: **Pirates wear stripes you know... sorry wrong place... umm... I don't own Harry Potter.

**I will not tell Professor Trelawney that my magic 8 ball says the class willbe killed by Trevor and his Fly Eaters.**

It was the master plan! The plan of all plans! It had been executed perfectly! So, how did we get caught you ask? We didn't exactly... If you want to look at it my way: we didn't! But if you want to look at it as everyone else's point of view: we did.

I had entered divination, gasped and quickly fell into a chair. I looked into Professor Trelawney's bug like eyes and said in a voice that I hoped sounded scared "We have to evacuate this classroom immediately before they come. My magic 8 ball showed me what would happen if we don't! OH THE HORROR!"

After a moment of silence Trelawney came to me and asked in a shaken voice what I saw. I told her that the whole class would be killed by Trevor and his fellow Fly Eaters. She gave me a strange look and at that very moment Trevor the toad jumped up on the table closest to us... Just like we showed him!

At that very moment someone yelled "OH MY GOD, IT'S TREVOR!" and then it was pandemonium!

I never knew that Trelawney could yell like that too get the attention of everyone! Well, you learn something new every day! Once she got everyone's attention she told everyone that we would be going to the Great Hall until I told her that it would be ok to go back to class.

It had been a week since we had divination when McGonagall asked me what I had said to Trelawney yo make her so fearful of her own classroom. Well, I took her up to the class and when we entered the class she wasn't to happy.

There were thousands of toads in the class. Not to mention that we had been feeding them! Hurray for BABIES!


	14. Wizards staff

(A/N: The lyrics, that I got from Google so I don't own it either, are in _ITALIC. _I just felt like informing you guys.)

**Disclaimer:** Je n'appartient pas Harry Potter. Pauvre moi!

**I will not teach the first-years to sing "A Wizard's Staff Has A Knob On The End".**

It had taken a while but I had taught it to all of them! Even my friends decided that they would help me with this one! We had loads of fun to teach all the first years the song that puts a smile to everybody's face "A Wizard's Staff Has A Knob On The End".

_A wizard's staff has a knob on the end_

_It never will buckle, it never will bend_

_He cherishes it, and he calls it his friend,_

_and he frequently takes it in hand._

Then the day came for the great unveiling! I was so exited to see all that hard work pay off!

_A wizard's staff is the source of his power._

_He checks up on it every hour on the hour_

_And he's never surprised when it turns to a flower -_

_The fairest throughout all the land._

We decided to do it on the day that everyone would be In the Great Hall.

_The staff of a wizard with honour is crowned._

_Without it a wizard will rarely be found._

_'Tis big and it's round and weighs three to the pound_

_And without it he's truly unmanned._

We would all sing it on Halloween night!

_The staff of a wizard can do mighty deeds._

_It protects him from harm and attends to his needs,_

_Provides him with banquets upon which he feeds_

_And potions on which he gets canned._

In front of everyone 'cuz it's tradition... Or that's what we told the first years

_Whenever a wizard is lonely or sad,_

_Or feeling dejected, or puzzled, or mad,_

_He turns to his staff, and things don't seem so bad -_

_By it he is never trepanned._

As soon as everyone was seated we gave them the sign.

_The staff of a wizard is dear to his heart_

_The source and the succour of his magic art._

_They travel together, are never apart,_

_A relationship few understand._

They all stood up in unison and began to sing.

_The wizard is rarely of heroic build_

_Were it not for his staff, he would surely be killed._

_By demons or monsters his blood would be spilled_

_All over the pitiless sand._

It brought tears to my eyes and madness in McGonagall's.

_A wizard in thought, word, and deed should be chaste_

_If he is not, he's considered disgraced_

_Although in his dreams he is often embraced_

_By ladies both lissom and tanned._

And then all the students started to sing with them.

_The staff of a wizard is polished with care._

_He anoints it with spices and unguents rare,_

_Bedecks it with silver and jewels most fair,_

_And on feast days he has it japanned._

It was beautiful! Just beautiful!

_A wizard when young has a staff that is small._

_It's puny and weak, ineffective withal._

_It grows with his power until it stands tall_

_As his fame and his glory expand._

Most of the teachers looked like they were going to faint. But, unfortunately, none did.

_The staff of a wizard can hold many spells_

_For finding lost objects or dowsing new wells_

_For banishing demons to bottomless hells_

_Or bringing them back on demand._

They just waited out the song.

_A wizard's staff can do manifold tricks_

_To puzzle the nobles and fuddle the hicks_

_It rescues the wizard from many a fix -_

_It is totally at his command._

At the last stanza we all pointed at Dumbledore.

_When a wizard is old, and is starting to fade_

_He looks on his staff that with cunning he made_

_The crown of his life and the tool of his trade_

_And together they make their last stand._

When we were finally done the song the teachers asked who had taught that song to the first years. I just started to applause.


	15. Assassinate

**Disclaimer:** NEVER do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics. Sorry, I mean, I don't own Harry Potter.

**I will not assassinate the current DADA teacher to get it over with.**

We entered the DADA class and started the lesson without anything going wrong and then someone asked him when he was finally going to die. Seeing as I was bored, I didn't see anything wrong with my plan! I took out my wand and saying "Let's get this over with." I lifted my wand and sent his way the wonderfully useful disarming spell.

It's really unfortunate that McGonagall and Flitwick had been passing by the class at that moment. There was a little dueling until they petrified me.

I was interrogated by them and a few Aurors. They all looked confused when I told them that I had just wanted to get it over with. They couldn't believe it...

What's weird is that I only got a few detentions. I got away with it!

Now where did he go...


	16. Wood

**Disclaimer: **I don't wanna put anything here so I'll leave it up to you guys to decide if I own Harry Potter or not!

**"I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.**

"Have you heard the one where your BARKING mad?"

"Yes."

_He can't have heard them all. It's just not fair... I mean possible!_

"What about the one with ACORNS for brains?"

"Heard it."

_I swear if I don't find something I'm gonna use a tree just to kill him!_

"What about the SQUIRREL in your head?"

"Just give up already!"

_I must find something... I must find something._

"Oh, I know, The LUMBERJACK one!"

"What about it?"

_Noooooooo. Why did he have to challenge me? Now I'm gonna loose._

"Ok, here's what we're going to do Wood, you're gonna stay ROOTED to the floor and I'm gonna go and try to think of other WOOD jokes."

"That's weird, I've never heard that one before!"

_Yesssssss, and we have a winner!_


	17. Love Life

**Disclaimer: **Unfortunatly, I don't own Harry Potter 'cuz if I did things would have gone differently...

**I will not tell ginny about Draco and Harry's secret love life**

Poor, poor Ginny. How could she not know? It's so obvious sometimes that it's not even funny.

When Harry left the common room alone after talking to Ginny I knew I had to something. So I went to sit next to her and told her that it was okay if she wanted to cry. She looked at me like I was crazy and asked what I was talking about.

"Harry's affair. Wait... You don't know?"

So I told her everything about Harry and Draco's secret love life. I left nothing out... Except that most of it was made up! But seriously, those two should get together. Have you seen the sexual tension between those two when they're fighting?

Anyway... She slapped me across the face then ran up to the dormitories. Go ahead and kill the messenger, why don't you?


	18. Flying Monkeys

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry potter, j.k. Rowling does. Unfortunatly.

**"To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriote career choice.**

"Sit down" McGonagall looked at me for a moment then said unexpectedly "I don't know how you did it but you made it to fifth year even though you should have probably gotten expelled in your first but..."

She looked at me for a few moments longer and then asked the inevitable question: do you know what you want to do after you leave hogwarts?

It's a good question really, I had spent months checking this shit out, and I had it down to three choices. The first two were completely out in left field because it wasn't me but the third choice... Now that's something that I can do!

So I told her that I wanted to conquer the world with an army of flying monkeys! An amazing job if I do say so myself.

Just one problem: McGonagall doesn't think it's do-able. I'll show her! And once I am the Supreme Overlord of everyone, watch out! I'm going after her.


	19. Paintballing

**Disclaimer: **If I had owned the books this would have definatly happened! But, I don't.

**I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.**

Hogwarts is big... really big. So the chances of meeting a teacher in **that** hallway weren't really big.

I had told him all the rules, showed him how to reload and shoot and he was all ready. Me and my friends had needed another player so we went to the only person that we knew would have fun!

We had declared a paint balling war on the rest of the school... and they didn't know! We were all waiting in one of the dark hallways to start. That's when Professor Snape turned the corner.

I didn't think! It was a reflex! But boy was it fun paint balling **his** ass!

And that's when the game really started! When we were done there wasn't a single person in Hogwarts that hadn't been paint balled!

And now... It's the favorite sport of Peeves! He does it at least once a week!

And we got detention for the rest of our lives...


	20. Proper Way

**Disclaimer: **Je vient juste de décider que, oui, j'appartient Harry Potter! Je vais les voler de J. K. Rowling! Elle ne saurat jamais ce qui est arriver! BWAHAHA! ... C'était juste une idée... Trés bien, Je n'appartient pas Harry Potter... Est tu content?

**The proper way to report to Professor McGonagall is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" Not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."**

I had been called to McGonagall's office and as I was walking there I started to panic.

Did she know that I had started that contest? Or that **I** had flooded the second floor? Or what about that cauldron?

No, she couldn't know. I had taken every precaution's not to get caught.

What about the python? Or the leopard? Or changing all those passwords?

Again, it's not possible for her to know! So what does she want? Could she want to talk about... **That!** No, it's not possible that she knows.

I knocked on the door and entered the office when I heard her say "Enter". I walked up to her desk and, just to be on the safe side, said: "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."

She looked at me "I just wanted to talk about your report card but now... Tell me what you did!"

I really didn't think this through, did I?


	21. Accio Pussycat

**Disclaimer: **I want to own Harry Potter and I've tried everything and yet... I still can't own it!

**I am not allowed to Accio the clothing of any person while they are wearing it.**

**I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"**

"He does not."

"Of course he does."

It was obvious that Lupin was the kind of person to have a tattoo, I just had to find a way to prove it.

The next day that we were outside we saw Professor's Lupin and McGonagall walking on the grounds, talking. I thought of this as the perfect way to prove my point to my friends.

So, without really thinking this through, I took out my wand and "Accio Professor's clothing!" and their clothing came sailing to me. I let them drop to the ground and, without skipping a beat, looked at McGonagall and asked "Hey, what's new, pussycat?"

I guess I don't have to say that I got detention but at least now we know that it's not Lupin who has a tattoo!


	22. Vampire

**Disclaimer: **Je veut appartenir Harry Potter... It's not fair!

**Draco Malfoy is not a vampire. I am not allowed to "stake" him.**

I had watched _Van Helsing_, _Dracula_ and _Queen of the Damned_ so I thought I knew what I was looking for. He fit the description and I wasn't going to let him do any more soul destruction!

I got all the gear at a really shady shop. I had bought stakes, holy water, a pistol and silver bullets. So, I was ready for anything!

It was time to purge the evil from Hogwarts. So, during the beginning of the year feast, I saw my chance. I jumped up, took out a stake and lunged at Draco screaming "DIE VAMPIRE, DIE!" at the top of my lungs.

Unfortunatly he screamed, dived out of the way and I toppled to the ground.

Now, I'm in St Mungo's Psych Ward. Like I said: "It was an honest mistake."


	23. Snake Sock

**Disclaimer: **It's like a love triangle that he has been pulled into against his will... Sorry, wrong thing. I don't own Harry Potter.

**I will not use my socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin house mascot. **

My favorite kind of mascot has to be a snake just because they're so easy to make. Unfortunately, the Slytherins don't see it my way.

It was the morning before a Gryffindor / Slytherin Quidditch match and I suddenly had the urge to support Slytherin. Don't ask me why, because I don't know.

I had looked over every single sock that I owned for the perfect one. It was an amazing emerald green sock, perfect for supporting the Slytherin team! I cast a spell on the sock so that when I opened it's "mouth" it would hiss.

After that I went down to the Great Hall to have breakfast. Every student I passed got hissed at.

When I entered the Great Hall everything was normal and everyone was eating while having light conversation. But as soon as I sat down, one of my friends looked up from his plate and proceeded to choke when my sock gave a hiss.

It was at that moment that everyone turned to look at me and my sock.

There was nothing but silence. All the professors at the staff table visibly blanched when they saw the sock and when I turned around to look at the Slytherin table, all eyes where on me. They all looked shocked and at that moment I made a split second decision.

I let the snake sock hiss once in their direction then I high tailed it out of the Great Hall! I had made it halfway to the Common room when I heard feet chasing me.

All this because I wanted to support the Slytherins!

I guess I don't have to say that I missed the game but I hear that the Slytherins won! Guess I helped them with my support even if I did spend the day in the Hospital Wing...


	24. Relationship

**Disclaimer: **I am going to complain... I had been campaining to own Harry Potter and nothing is happening! So, right now: I don't own Harry Potter. But one day, one day...

**Professor McGonagall does not have an inappropriate relationship with Mrs. Norris.**

There had been a question that had been bugging me and now, in Transfiguration, I couldn't concentrate because the person at the desk was part of what I was thinking.

How could it work? Would she have to change into her cat form to talk to her? Would Mrs. Norris understand her? And how would that work?

I had been so in thought that I hadn't noticed Professor McGonagall come up to me. when she cleared her throat I looked up into her emerald eyes. "Yes, Professor?"

She looked at me, nostrils flaring, and told me that, if what I was thinking was so important, I should inform the entire class to get their opinion. To me, that was the best idea that anyone ever gave me. She motioned for me to go to the front of the class. All eyes where on me but I didn't care.

"Okay, I suddenly had an interesting thought a few weeks ago and I've been trying to figure it out. My thought was: What if Professor McGonagall was in a relationship with Mrs. Norris. The questions that won't leave me alone are:

1. Would the Professor have to change into her cat form to talk to Mrs. Norris?

2. Would Mrs. Norris understand her? and

3. How would **that** work? like, how would they **do** it?"

The whole class was looking at me like I had gone mad and McGonagall was red in the face. I'm surprised that she hadn't yelled at me!

She took a few calming breaths and informed me that I would be serving detention with her for the rest of my life. And I **still** didn't get my questions answered...


	25. Snape's Reaction

**Diclaimer: **A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted. Looks like I'll never get to own Harry Potter.

(A/N: For this idea I'll be doing all the teachers reactions but it will take time. This is the first of many reactions to come!)

**I will not tell all the teachers that I love them just to see their reactions.**

I only did it to see what he would do. I didn't mean anything about it. I never meant for it to go this far! But once it started I couldn't stop.

I had entered the potions class just as always but once we had started, he had asked me why I was the bane of his existence I answered the first thing that came to mind "Because I love you."

The whole class practically stopped breathing! Snape looked like he was going to burst a blood vessel. To say I was worried... would be lying.

I looked into his red face and asked "What are you going to do about it Snookums?" I really shouldn't have asked that because his face took on an almost gleeful look... and it was scaring me.

He started to advance while saying "While I don't approve of student/teacher relationships I wouldn't really mind marrying someone." then he kneeled down in front of me and proposed.

I suppose he had done it to scare me off but I never back down no matter what happens. So I said yes. He looked shocked for a moment then said that after class we would go see the Headmaster.

When the bell rang I waited for him to finish with whatever he was doing and then we took the walk to the Headmasters office. To say that I enjoyed the walk with my fiancé... would also be lying.

When we entered the office there were two chairs in front of the desk. We both sat down and looked into the twinkling eyes of the Headmaster. When he asked why we where there, I beat Snape to the punch line "We want to get married."

The twinkling in the Headmasters eyes paused for a moment. He turned to Snape "What are you going to tell your wife?" So he _was_ just pulling my leg. This was going to be fun.

"You told me that I was the only one and that we were going to get married! Now you're saying that you're already married!" Snape turned to me and asked when he had ever told me that. "You don't remember?"

At that moment the Headmaster decided to intervene. "I believe that it's time to admit that you don't stand a chance, even if Professor Snape did cheat on his wife with you. I suggest that you just forget this incident ever took place. Goodbye."

I stood and stomped my way to the door, opened it violently, then slammed it closed.

As I walked to the common room I couldn't believe how close that had gotten.


	26. McGonagall's Reaction

**Disclaimer: **The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory. Again, sorry wrong place, I don't own shit!

**I will not tell all the teachers that I love them just to see their reactions.**

Let's just say that I wasn't paying attention to the class and the lesson because I was paying attention to the person who was teaching. The way that her hand and wand seemed as one, how her aura just seemed to demand respect and how her scottish accent was just so damn sexy!

I won't say that I don't deserve the detention but it was the way that she delivered the detention that I'm complaining about!

She had just asked me why I would continually stare in space. I looked up and couldn't help the answer escaping my lips when I gazed into those emerald eyes.

"Because I love you!" One thing I was not expecting was the blush! Then, when she told me it would never be able to happen, I decided to challenge her. "Are you sure about that? Because I am ready to do anything to prove to you that it can work!"

Red in the face, McGonagall decided to do the McGonagal thing "Then you can start with detention tonight!"

As I walk to detention I can only hope that she meant that I could prove it.

* * *

><p>(Surprise author's note: Time to press that little <em>Review Chapter<em> Button now, please)


	27. Reverse Order

**Disclaimer: **Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. I use my shin alot... oops. Harry Potter does not belong to me.

(A/N: To the people who are still wondering who this is: I have no idea. All I do is write it! So, if you guys think it's a girl, then it's a girl! If you guys think it's a boy, then it's a boy! I try to make these as asexual as possible. Ok, have fun Reading and reviewing!)

**I will not follow potions instructions in reverse order just to see what happens. **

It wasn't the brightest idea that I had ever gotten but at the time I thought it was a great idea!

We were in potions class and we had to do any potion in the book. The problem was that I wasn't allowed to choose the potion that I wanted to do.

I had told Professor Snape that I wanted to do the forgetfulness potion but apparently he thought that I would screw it up! He gave me the easiest potion in the book to do and said "There's no way that you can do anything to screw this up."

I looked at the ingredients and took out everything that I needed but when I looked at the instructions... I suddenly wanted to see what would happen if I did the potion in reverse!

It was had to keep the potion from exploding but when I was finally done it had a wonderful deep green colour with some yellow and purple in it! Now I couldn't wait to try it on something or better yet... someone.

The problem came as soon as I took a flask and tried to get it in. As soon as the glass touched the potion it exploded! All the colours of the rainbow where on everything!

I must have looked pretty stupid standing in the middle of the class with a flask in my hand just staring at the ground where my cauldron had been.

Thank Merlin I didn't get expelled! But I do have to clean the whole classroom.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to clean a class who looks like skittles were born in it?


	28. Lightsaber

**Disclaimer: **Miracle Grow works! Just put it in your shoes!... And I don't own Harry Potter... Nor do I own Star Wars.

**I am not allowed to make lightsaber sounds with my wand. **

How dare she! That Umbridge woman telling us that she wouldn't teach us Defence Against the Dark Arts. What does she think she's doing, teaching us how to cook? When she told us to put our wands away that was the last straw. I didn't put it away, I just left it on my desk and when she did **that** sound I looked up in her beady eyes.

She told me to put my wand away. "But... it's not a wand." She looked at me, with her toad like face in confusion, and asked what I meant. "It's a lightsaber. And on a side note: you really don't know how to dress. Pink? Seriously? It's so last season."

She had her face right in mine in a second "What did you say?" Her face was bright red and she was perspiring immensly. "I said that I don't have a wand. It's my lightsaber." She looked confused for a moment and, completely forgetting about my comment about her clothing, asked me what a lightsaber was.

I picked up my wand and made a ray of light come out of it and, just for effect, made it do those sounds that it should do. The muggle borns all started to laugh but the purebloods were a little startled. Umbridge backed away, tripped and fell to the ground.

She started to yell at me but all I did was pick my stuff up and, for good mesure, said "No one follow me." I held my 'lightsaber' in front of me as I backed out of the class.

I've been banned from DADA class for the rest of the year and my wand still does those sounds at some times... I think it likes them!

And I still say she has no style.


	29. Umbridge's Reaction

**Disclaimer: **A snowman is the perfect man. He's very well rounded and comes with his own broom... And... I do not own anything... Not even the snowman.

**I will not tell all the teachers that I love them just to see their reactions.**

She was red in the face screaming at me about what ever she thought I did wrong and the only way I could shut her up was to say those three dreaded words. "Shut up, whore!"

Her toad like face was now inches away from mine in what she probably thought was a menacing way but, in all honesty, I was having a hard time not to laugh! "What did you tell me?"

I held in my lunch and gave a weak smile saying the three words that, hopefully, would save me from the wrath of the blood quills. "I said: I love you."

All the students who had watched everything so far gasped! We all waited for a single pin dropping second and then... She smiled! It was the scariest thing that I had ever seen!

She then proceeded to straighten herself out, give me an appraising look and walked away with the words "Everyone should."

I'll just give you a warning to stay clear of those little bushes by the third window. My lunch ended up there.


	30. Thursday

(A/N: I'm kind of back but not really... I still have a massive writers block but it's starting to get torn down little by little.)

Disclaimer: J K Rowling still hasn't given me the rights to Harry Potter...

**I**** will not try and start Naked Thursdays in the Common Room.**

So I was bored. Everyone knows that if I'm bored something is bound to happen, it just so happens that it was not the best of times.

I and my friends were doing homework in the common room... Sorry, that's a lie; my friends were doing homework in the common room. I was just looking around thinking of something to do. As I was looking around I asked my friends what day it was, they said it was Thursday.

Ok, here's where things get weird. For some reason my brain took the words "It's a Thursday" for "It's Naked Thursday". You can just imagine what happened but I'm going to tell you anyway. I got up and went to see the first years, sat down with them and asked which one of them wanted to help me make a tradition.

They were pretty receptive of the idea, though it might be because I told them that it was already a tradition but that's not the point. Now at that point we started to undress and when someone asked what we were doing we told them that it was naked Thursday and to get undressed. Surprisingly, some of them followed the instructions!

And it was at that moment that everything went wrong... The headmaster and professor McGonagall came in to give an announcement. I've never seen someone go from having colour to becoming grey in that short a time!

They took one look at the students in different states of undress, became grey and then asked what was going on.

Now, being me, I still don't really know the warning signs of "going too far". Or maybe I do know them but I just don't pay attention to them, my brain still hasn't told me yet... Anyway, I took one look around the room and said "See! They came to see if we were following tradition. Hurry up and get naked!" and continued to get undressed.

The first years followed until McGonagall said to stop. We all stopped and looked at her. She told us to put our clothes back on and that she wanted to talk to me for a few minutes.

All in all, I got a few more detentions and I am not allowed to EVER speak with the first years EVER again.

I guess that now I'll just go see Peeves and see if he wants to do something...


	31. Sista

**Disclaimer:** I don't own it!

**I am not allowed to call Draco Malfoy my 'sista from anotha mista'.**

So he was getting a little annoying... Ok, a lot! But that's not the point, the point is that I was trying to eat and he and his insufferable voice wouldn't shut up!

He was harassing Harry Potter and his friends when I just decided that I had had enough. I told my friends that I would catch up with them and then started towards the commotion. Something about broom sticks but I really could care less because I was on a mission!

As I arrived I spotted Malfoy and made a bee line for him. As I got closer the people around stopped laughing to whatever was being said. Malfoy just kept talking until I put my arm around him.

The golden trio gave me weird looks but I didn't pay attention. Malfoy gave me a disgusted look and tried to shake me off but I held on and asked in a loud voice "What is my sista from anotha mista complaining about this time?"

The look of outrage mixed in with embarrassment on Malfoy's face and the laughter around was totally worth my time in the Hospital Wing!

Now, I wonder what my darling little sista from anotha mista is doing now...


	32. Trelawney's Reaction

This was a fun chapter to type out! Hope you guys like it!

**Disclaimer: **I own the books! I just don't "own" them.

**I will not tell all the teachers that I love them just to see their reactions.**

"… It says here that you're going to fall in love…"

He took a glanced at the book that was open at the specific page. "… With someone older than you by…" He turned the cup and glanced back at the book. "… About 20 years or more."

He looked at me with a look of shock bordering on disgust and then, suddenly, he started to laugh. Everyone in the class looked our way and then SHE walked to our table.

Bespectacled eyes, giving her a "bug look", she gazed at him which just makes him laugh even harder. She picked up the tea cup and gazed inside. She suddenly looked at me and, I don't know why, told me the exact same thing as my friend did. Who was still laughing, by the way.

The whole class was enraptured by the show!

The person who, apparently, stole my heart, according to Professor Trelawney and the cup, is "a woman who must wear glasses", she can also "read people very well" and also likes "the colours green and red for different reasons".

After every phrase the professor said my friend just laughed harder and suddenly found the floor. And just kept on laughing.

Trelawney looked at him in annoyance but said nothing and in that moment I understood why he was laughing so hard. So I looked at the professor and said the words she had been waiting for: "You're right! I don't see why I didn't see it before!"

Suddenly, taking her by surprise, I stood up and grabbed her waist and looked into her eyes and said: "You are the woman I want Sybil Trelawney!"

Her face took on a scared look and just as she was about to faint I told her: "I love you!"

She fainted in my arms but she was too heavy so I let her down slowly on the ground. My friend just kept laughing on the ground while the whole class was watching me with wide eyes.

All in all, a good day!


	33. The choking spell

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Harry Potter now but it's only a matter of time!

**I am not to refer to the Accio charm as "The Force"**

This time I can understand why it's my fault. But it was all in good fun! I just guess that Professor Flitwick doesn't really think it was funny. But at least all the muggle borns knew what I was talking about!

Professor Flitwick had just showed us the Accio charm and had us practising for the rest of the period. Near the end of the class Professor Flitwick came over and asked if I could help the class understand the charm.

I thought really hard about it but nothing else came to mind. So I told him that the charm was "The Force". He looked at me in confusion so I thought a demonstration was in order.

I took out my wand and said "Accio" pointed at one of the students and said, "Him!" He hovered slowly towards me and just for fun started to pretend that he was choking, probably not the best thing to do.

Flitwick started to panic and ordered me to put him down immediately! I let the spell go and he asked me what I had been using. "The Force" was probably not the best thing to say.

From now on, "The Force" is never to be used as ordered by the ministry… And they keep wondering why all the muggle borns were laughing!


	34. Don't mix

**Disclaimer: **I own grey socks and what's in my room, that's it, that's all.

**I will not use a broom to travel through the school.**

It wasn't really my fault. The idea came to me and I just happened to have it with me.

We'd been walking in the packed halls to our next class when someone commented that it would be better if they could fly.

As we continued to walk I realized that I was carrying the broom of one of my friends. Now, I'll be the first to admit that I'm not the _best_ flyer out there but I'm not that bad either. How about I just say that I'll never become a Quidditch player and be done with it.

The point is that I thought it wouldn't be too hard to fly through the halls. So I mounted the cleansweep and went off to my class.

So what's the problem? Professor McGonagall was the problem.

She had been walking in one of the halls that I flew through. As I passed by her head she screamed at me to get off the broom.

That screwed up my concentration and my control of the broom.

The broom dipped down into the sea of students and as they all tried to get out of the way, I was trying to get it to go back up.

Somehow, as I was finally winning control, the broom hooked on the robes of a first year and lifted the kid up with me!

Here I am, flying through the halls with a first year hanging from the handle of the broom kicking and screaming to be put down. I don't even know how I reached my class.

All I remember is landing close to the class, the kid giving me a glare and then running off and then… Professor McGonagall.

It had been transfiguration that I had next and the whole class got an ear full of why it was a bad idea to fly through the halls.

_Could have crashed… Could have died… Blah. Blah. Blah._

Now I have to make a five foot essay on why it's dangerous. I guess she noticed that I wasn't paying attention. At least I didn't get any detentions!


	35. I wanna dance!

**(A/N:** This is even more disturbing than usual for me!)

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the song either...

**I am not allowed to sneak into Professor Snape's private chambers and watch him dance to "I want to dance with somebody" in the mirror, as it is disturbing.**

I honestly thought that it was a good idea at the time. Right now I am regretting the idea that I had like you can't imagine. I should have never suggested that we play that game.

My friends and I had been playing "truth, dare, double dare" and I'd been doing fine until I got a little too confidant in my abilities. You see, our double dares always consist of something almost impossible. And I had conveniently forgotten that, until I picked it.

The double dare from my friend was to sneak into Snapes quarters and take his picture as many times as I could.

Now, to take a picture, I needed a camera and the only person within the castle that had one was Colin Creevey. Thankfully, when he learned why I needed it, he gladly passed it to me with the promise that he could keep the photographs that I took.

On my way there I was able to snap a picture of Professor's Flitwick and Sprout snogging in a broom closet, I blinded Mrs. Norris and I believe that I took a picture of Professor McGonagall in mid-transformation. If it had only been one of those things that they had wanted.

Somehow I'd been able to sneak into his quarters without him knowing. And before you ask, no, I cannot do it again. Not that I would want to either.

Now I just had to find him. As I stalked through the living room I heard something coming from one of the rooms that adjourned the room I was in.

I eased the door open and froze. I'd found Snape.

_Clocks strikes upon the hour,_

_And the sun begins to fade._

_Still enough time to figure out,_

_How to chase my blues away._

_I've done alright up 'til now,_

_It's the light of day that shows me how,_

_And when the night falls, loneliness calls._

The room I was looking into was obviously his bedroom but everything was in a purple-ish colour. There was a wall that made a full length mirror to shame. And snape was… wearing a bright red speedo, nothing more, and was dancing to the music.

_Oh! I wanna dance with somebody._

_I wanna feel the heat with somebody._

_Yeah! I wanna dance with somebody,_

_With somebody who loves me._

I took picture after picture hoping that someone would be willing to obliviate me.

_I've been in love and lost my senses,_

_Spinning through the town._

_Sooner or later the fever ends,_

_And I wind up feeling down._

_I need a man who'll take a chance,_

_On a love that burns hot enough to last._

_So when the night falls,_

_My lonely heart calls._

I got one with him doing the moon walk…

_Somebody who... Somebody who... somebody who loves me..._

_Somebody who... Somebody who... to hold me in his arms..._

The disco…

_Ooh ooh! Dance! Come on baby... (laughs)_

_Dance! Wooo! Yeh! Dance! You dance like this... (laughs)_

_Woah! (dance!)_

_Don't you wanna dance? (dance!) with me baby._

_Don't you wanna dance? (dance!) with me boy._

_Don't you wanna dance? (dance!) with me baby._

_With somebody who loves me._

A twirl…

_Don't you wanna dance?  
>Say you wanna dance.<br>Don't you wanna dance? (dance!)_

And many more.

_Don't you wanna dance?_

_Say you wanna dance. (uh huh)(dance!)_

_With somebody who loves me._

_Ooh (dance!)_

_Ooh-oh (dance!)_

_Ooh (dance!)_

_...with me baby..._

As the song was ending I got out of there like the hounds of hell were on my heel.

That was the scariest thing that I'd ever seen.


	36. Christmas Decorations!

**Disclaimer: **I wish I owned the series... It's what I want for Christmas.

**I will not use Slytherin and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations.**

**(A/N:** And this is my Christmas contribution to Fanfiction! Enjoy!**)**

It was an amazing sight that greeted you in the Great Hall on the last day before the Christmas break. It brought tears to your eyes, whether by laughter or joy or just by pure frustration. The point is that it brought tears.

We worked tirelessly during the night decorating the great hall with all we had gathered. And now they were just trying to take them down. How dare they! At least we made it a permanent sticking charm until the end of breakfast!

It had taken most of the fall to negotiate the plan between the 7th year Slytherin's and Gryffindor's. The end result was worth all the insults and curses that they through.

On the night before the Christmas break the 7th year Slytherin's and Gryffindor's worked really hard at wrapping and dragging the presents to the Great Hall. After all the presents were there we all used the levitation charm to get them to the ceiling and used the new and improved sticking charm so they wouldn't fall in the middle of night. They are fragile after all.

I looked up and smiled. The Great Hall looked wonderful with the new decorations! Of course the wrapping paper did help identify which first year you were looking at. Green for Slytherin and red for Gryffindor. If we hadn't wrapped them it would have been in their black robes and black is not a nice colour on Christmas.

Don't worry, we didn't wrap their heads. Though we did add a bow!


	37. Hufflepuff's are scary

**Disclaimer: **Someday I will own it... Too bad it's not today...

(**A/N:** This idea just came to me and wouldn't let go.)

**I will not make Hufflepuffs seem scarier than they already are.**

"'I'll huffle and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down.' The pigs watched as the badger was huffing and puffing…"

I could feel the eyes of my friends on my back but I didn't care. I continued to tell the tale in the common room to all the first year purebloods who listened with rapt attention. There were a few second and third years that were sitting among them and listening with as much attention as the younger ones.

The muggle borns were sitting around the common room doing whatever they were doing while snickering.

This was the second story that I had told them and I can't stop until they know the risks of associating with badgers. Once I was done the story of 'The three little pigs and the evil badger' I started to tell the tale of 'Little red riding hood and the mean badger'.

When I was finally done with the entire story telling business I finished with the words "The morale of these stories is that Hufflepuff's are evil."

The last few days have actually been interesting. All the first and second years have been sticking together and when an "evil Hufflepuff" walks by they sometimes try to look small and stick to the walls or walk into a classroom to avoid them. They usually just run away from them though. There was even one case where a first year started hyperventilating when a six year Hufflepuff looked at her! It was beautiful!

What's even funnier is that the teachers don't even know what's going on! They look just as confused as the Hufflepuffs. Sure they suspect that I'm behind it but they can't prove it if they don't know what's going on.


	38. Snake on my knife!

**Disclaimer: **Hurray! I don't won Harry Potter!

(**A/N: **The sadistic side of my brain comes back!)

**I will not insist the house elves serve dead snakes to the Slytherins.**

"It had been a boring few days! What did you expect I do! Let it be boring? That's just crazy talk!

What made me do it! If you must know it was that thought of another potions class with those… bigoted people. I told them that I would get them back! No one turns me into a tree without my permission!

Once the class was over I went straight to the kitchens. It was time for revenge! I found many house elves that were ready to go hunt for what I needed. It would take a day to gather everything but I didn't care. My revenge was at hand!

The next day is when it happened. After all the classes, at dinner time. In view of every single person in the school. Every single Slytherin received a hot snake with a knife through its head on a plate. You should have seen their faces!

So that's the story and that's why I'm here waiting for the psychiatrist. The judge said that I am not allowed to go back to school unless the psychiatrist says so."

I finished the story with a smile. The people in the room were looking at me with a mix of amazement and fear. This is going to be fun.


	39. Dark Hallways and Tackling

Sorry guys! All I'm gonna say is that life decided to catch up to me.

I hope you guys enjoy this one! Have fun!

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> Who wants to help me get the rights to Harry Potter... no one? Damn it.

**I ****am not allowed to jump students in dark hallways. ****Nor am I allowed to jump professors there either.**

It was on a dark and stormy day and the hallways were dark (because some people had taken it upon themselves to play "hide and seek" in the dark). Everyone knows that you can't play "dark" hide and seek when the lights are on.

So, to set the mood, we blew out every torch in the whole castle and hid them in random places. No place was safe for this game because everyone in the castle was playing. Whether they knew it or not.

In fact, the only reason that we had to stop in the past was because every time we played someone broke a bone. But now we have the Hospital Wing with Madame Pomfrey that can fix anything (she said so herself when we asked).

Now, there are no rules for this game. In fact, the only thing you weren't allowed to do was the universal law of no killing. And even that law is kind of flexible with magic.

Anyway, you guys are probably wondering how all this went wrong. Well, it pretty much went the way you guys are thinking. You tackle one person, with no sense of humour, to the ground and you're called a delinquent. I guess it didn't help that the people I tackled were Percy Weasley, Draco Malfoy, Severus Snape and Minerva McGonagall. From what I can tell of their voices at least.

Though, you've got to admit that just the thought of me trying to tackle Hagrid to the ground is hilarious.

All in all, I'm surprised that there were less Hospital Wing visits so far. There were only five broken bones, seven concussions and three panic attacks. If I was honest I would have guessed a much higher number.

What's our punishment you ask? Well, I wish I knew 'cuz they haven't been able to catch us yet and they're still searching for the torches. I'm pretty sure that once they find them the punishment will be something like cleaning the whole castle twenty times over or something.

Wait a minute! I hear footsteps…


End file.
